Since everything changed I've had a hard time relating with the usual blogs I used to frequent. Many of them were about family and motherhood, but in the more conventional "nuclear" sense. Now the sight of a glowing 2.4 family just makes me want to hurl. Some of the worst ones are the pictures you see in pregnancy magazines of the guy kissing the mother-to-be's growing belly, BLURGHHHHH. I recently passed on my favourite Nikki Mclure print to a friend who wont have to feel sad every time she sees this image.
What used to be comforting, inspiring and aspirational now intimidates and tortures me. On a few occasions I've recalled to memory an old momversation episode that featured a single mama blogger. A few nights ago i trawled through the backlog of episodes and found her. Since, i've been spending a lot of time over at ms.single mama and felt so much relief from hearing her perspective on parenting, family, love and life. So many times i've found myself nodding away as I read.
Alaina featured me and my story just yesterday and since then I've been receiving so many affirming comments from women in a similar position. At first it felt strange to have the harsh reality of my situation out there, I'd been wavering back and forth as to how much I might
share online. But the sharing has brought me comfort and encouragement from those finding their own way along the path of single motherhood.
So a big thank you to those of you who have reached out and gave me a "virtual hug". It makes it all feel a little less overwhelming.
Me and the mollster are getting settled into our own little apartment and I'm trying to find my feet with parenting solo style. It can feel very lonely knowing there is no one coming home to me at the end of the day to talk to and to help out with the mollyness. It's exhausting* and I spend most of my day feeling lousy at being a mum. I'm due mr bump on July 6th and he seems to be sucking out all my energy and making me feel totally immobile.
Molly got a nasty tummy bug the other day and, in between cleaning up the endless poop and vomit, we spent the whole day snuggling, me stroking her hair and her nuzzling into me as much as possible. She's also started to lean in and give me kisses. These things keep me going.
* I must mention, that I do get a lot of help from my family, it would do them a great discredit not to mention that. But I am trying my best to take on the main load, it's important for me that I am molly's primary carer and that she knows that.