Saturday, 15 May 2010

I didn't expect plain sailing, but.....

I've taken to watching tv till the moment I fall asleep. It keeps the bad thoughts away...as much as they can be kept away. Last night I was watching Jools Holland (a late night music show in the UK) and Tracey Thorn was on with this song:




There were tear stained tissues all around by the time she finished the song. Next came Crowded House singing 'Don't dream it's over'. I couldn't help but half laugh at the contrast. I've always loved 'Don't dream..' it's more the tone I always thought my love life would take, the 'yes it's hard but we are gonna make it through' tone. I never expected everything to always be rosy and plain sailing, but I thought that the essence of real romance was in the sticking it out and working through the storm together.... Instead Tracey Thorn's 'oh the divorces' fitted my life much better. Bleak, broken promises, shattered dreams and just plain sad.

It's Saturday night, Molly is being baby sat and I have nothing to do. My couple friends are doing couple things, my single friends are doing single things (remember, I'm 32 weeks pregnant, I'm not really ready to be part of the party). And I am left lingering in the middle and not really fitting in anywhere.

Sorry about the depressed whining. This blog will go back to being light hearted and happy someday. I do have hope for that.

11 comments:

Medi said...

Hey Alli, good night

I'm Carmen. I have a 6 years old precious boy, and I've been alone all my pregnancy too. But... well, it was a real, good, good, decision. My boy is my big treausure, my ligth, my life.

But... as I read you were a little depressed today, I want to tell you what was happened to me this morning, so, you will see we are been 'joined' by depression :-)

So, this morning, I went to a beautiful park with my son, it was a sunny say. We were walking by a laberinthic green side, when we felt a little lost. Then, a man with his little girl appeared, and all four began to walk together till we found the exit side. After this, the girl and my boy began to run, and play together very happy.

And what about me and the man? Yes, he was handsome, and he had a brilliant conversation. But... the problem was me! I was totally paralized, boring, stupid... oh muy god!

Finally, we went out the park, they told us goodbye and that's the end of the history.

The rest of the day, I could not take off my head the adventure. Why I've reactioned as a stupid and antipathic person? Why?

I've been alone all of these years, with my job, my friends: met someone It was not in my plans. But, today, I've met this man, and suddenly, I've thougth as I've lost all the charming brilliance I've had years algo. I felt miserably, and ugly.

Surely, this man was a normal and happy married man, and he only wanted to be kind with me and my baby. Surely, all these ideas were only in my mind

... uf, sorry, Ally. I dont' pretend you fell slepped with this history. I felt bad this nigth and I wanted to explain this with a friend.

Be corageous! We are more strong we think

Kindly regards

alli magee said...

thanks for sharing the story of your day with me medi. I can understand that paralyzed feeling. maybe u just need to throw yourself into those situations more, gain a little confidence with practice. As for me, I am staying well out of the dating game for a good while!

Anonymous said...

Alli,

You are stronger and braver than you know - you will come through these difficult times. Know that you are not alone and that us single mommies are cheering and praying for you. God Bless.

Smiling, Beguiling said...

This was lovely. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

Leah said...

Alli,

Oh boy...this song! Sometimes I listen to sad songs on purpose. Its kind of like when I have a sore spot and I have to keep poking at it. My soon to be ex told me he wasn't in love with me and never was. I felt like some part of me broke at that. Now he says I'm being too dramatic. Too dramatic? I'd like the last 10 years of my life back please! I'd like to feel like our relationship wasn't one big sham.

The weekends are the hardest for me. Sometimes I feel so lost. Slowly, I'm coming to remember who I was before* and realizing who I CAN be now. If you ever need a virtual shoulder - I have two available.

singlemomma said...

Indeed it will one day look up...hang in there~

Erin said...

Alli do you have email? Love to drop you a line!

Jody said...

Hug, hug, hug!!!

Hang in there.

The best is yet to come.

Susanne said...

I just read your story....
I am so touched by everything..
You are a strong person and eventually everything will work out for you...it is not easy and I really feel for you....
Big hugs from a German woman living in Texas.

dateclass101 said...

thanks for sharing this story to it was really touching i do hope that you gain strength to go on day by day always look up the sky is your limit

Kristin said...

Found you through my dear friend Alaina - who I met years ago through my Single Mom at Work column.

My ex left when my son was one and a half. I feel your pain sharply, and yet I also know how much better things will get, and I wish I could pass it on in a way you will believe me...but I think it's just time.

I have a new family now, a wonderful man and I dared to love again and I don't regret it. You will have happiness and peace again, I know it.