Tuesday, 25 May 2010

punching my pillows

It wasn't the first time.

He'd wronged me before.

And I felt my heart ache. To watch the love I'd held so very dear fracture because of the shiny, new "trinket of temptation". To be overlooked, betrayed and manipulated by the one person in the world who was supposed to love, honour and cherish me.

It hurt so much then that I thought i'd been dealt my worst blow. I thought this could never happen again because this was enough pain for one person to bear.

Then I fell miraculously pregnant. We made a molly. We had a new direction. A hopeful little bundle of softness and giggles. We were finding our feet again and growing strong. I started to admire him again. To see my beautiful daughter sleep against her daddy's chest, melted my heart.

But along came another, shinier, newer. And apparently nothing else mattered.

This is the part where I'm swearing and punching my pillows.....





15 comments:

Pretty Little Pictures said...

Oh Alli, there is nothing I can say to make this better. I've read your blog for a long time now (I always feel a kindred spirit in my fellow red heads for some reason). I know you will pull through it, time is what you need. XX
Jen

Anonymous said...

Precious Alli, my heart aches for you and Molly and your littlest one! Might I encourage you to read Psalms 36 and 37? You are most assuredly not alone, if you will but lift your eyes up to the God who loves you and died for you. Punch your pillow, then lift your eyes. You are often in my prayers. Kathy W.

Anonymous said...

Emerging from that place but it still lingers. I have some 'mollys'. Got to keep them with me so they grow together. She also found someone shinier and younger and then everything from before didn't matter. In a haze of decision making we were history (and our history rendered unpalatable). Cut loose defenceless without her we cried for her. I punched more that my pillow - I punched Mr Shiny. They both laughed as one - that's when I started to grasp their depth.

owldoll said...

Embrace the anger, it feels so much better than the sadness and the fear. I used to fantasize that my ex would be forced to watch his newly bought house burn to the ground with everything he owned in it. Didn't cry over him once. It gets easier, I promise.

Erin said...

Darlin' - I am so very sorry. I am thankful that mine never let go of his new shiny object, because I'd be in the same boat..... I can only give you a virtual hug from Idaho and the land of "wish they were different".

Anonymous said...

Oh no! He cheated on you before?!

Anonymous said...

(Assuming if you blog something so personal then you welcome comment on your situ)
I am surprised that in your present circumstance, since it sounds your personal tragedy is occuring in real-time, that you are composed enough to write this all down - and so eloquently. It makes me wonder therefore whether you had really forgiven him fully for his first affair and have been viewing your (continued)relationship from a more detached point of view since then anyway - and if so, that's okay. I speak from experience here - since it has happened to me twice too (but with different partners). First time I was gutted beyond consoling - second time not so much because I had learned a life lesson from the first time; loved ones who you love and who you give everything to emotionally, sometimes can hurt you in the most self-centred way. Relationships are asymmetric to varying degrees - and that is tough to understand when you're the giver - and it sounds like you are the giver in your relationships. You are also an idealist with a romantic sprinkling of the dreamer about you; a lovely innocent quality. Don't lose that! X

Anonymous said...

It's nuts that your husband was so into religion and then abandoned you and the kids for non-monogamy. He obviously had serious religious issues and maybe even some sort of spiritual crisis. It's a shame he couldn't work on himself for the sake of you and the kids. It's a shame that he had to let it all collapse. He's trading heaven for hell, for the meantime anyways. These sorts of things make me feel comfort in my religion. I'm not trying to convert anyone but Islam is a beautiful religion which is misunderstood and it's very against the sort of thing your husband did. Islamic gender roles are geared towards preventing that exact thing from happening, while I feel like Western gender roles encourage it. More and more men nowadays in the West are being selfish like your husband. Everything in this culture is saturated with sex so people are taught sex, success and consumerism are all that matter in life. He will regret this sooner or later. Maybe he will even repent and try to come back to you when he finds his new life unfulfilling.

Anonymous said...

My 'deeply religious' partner left me because I did not live up to their ideals. They left me for another 'deeply religious' person in their church. I know..how ironic or hypocritical or whatever. It turned out the religious values they espoused and were pretty smug about amounted to zilch when the rubber hit the road (no pun there).. because when it came down to it, they could suspend their beliefs until the dirty work was done - then resume where they left off..as a 'deeply religious' couple in a new church..and so on.

Joanne Morgan said...

Sorry, but what a fucker!

I hope you can mourn your relationship, but that it doesn't bog you down.

I hope you have people to help you out, keep you sane.

I hope gets an STD.

dana said...

Sigh. Fifteen years later, I still suffer the consequences of a relationship of lies. I'm married now. To a kind, I hope, noble man but those fucking lies of that other person. I hope you get over them better than I have.

dana said...

Sigh. Fifteen years later, I still suffer the consequences of a relationship of lies. I'm married now. To a kind, I hope, noble man but those fucking lies of that other person. I hope you get over them better than I have.

Anonymous said...

great post! I used google translation to translate it


gde kupit' levitru

Anonymous said...

Alli from an old friend who's path fragmented from yours what feels like an age ago, and having only learnt about everything that has happened today, I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you have gone through. But more than that your phoenix from the flames bravery and strength that I have had the pleasure of reading about is even more inspiring to me than when you inspired me 12 years ago. You've become an incredible woman. Much love. Old friend.

Anonymous said...

Alli from an old friend who's path fragmented from yours what feels like an age ago, and having only learnt about everything that has happened today, I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you have gone through. But more than that your phoenix from the flames bravery and strength that I have had the pleasure of reading about is even more inspiring to me than when you inspired me 12 years ago. You've become an incredible woman. Much love. Old friend.