Friday, 26 February 2010

singing the tune without the words...

I don't have a good camera to take photos anymore, but for now I will settle for the webcam of a borrowed computer. I'm taking much comfort and strength in some good old wardrobe exploits. Once I get my own place again I hope to be back to some Wardrobe_Remixing.

I have some exciting news to share, the Bump is a Mr Bump! There is one very big reason why I am super excited about this news. I will reveal all when he is welcomed into the word and given the most perfect name for him. Mr Bump is growing at an extremely fast pace these days and I am beginning to miss having a waist line! I'm heading out to a little stitch and bitch group tonight, hopefully going to make myself a nice bow tie necklace.

Here is me and Mr Bump, can you see the little side profile?

Monday, 22 February 2010

A sense of myself and my hesitant light.

A friend passed on this beautiful blessing to me. I could linger on every sentence for hours, it is so beautifully written. O'Donohue so tenderly describes the destruction I feel whilst humbly offering the comfort and direction that I must soak up.

Blessing for a broken relationship

Now you endeavour
To gather yourself
And withdraw in slow
Animal woundedness
From love turned sour and ungentle.

When we love, the depth in us
Trusts itself forward until
The empty space between
Becomes gradually woven
Into an embrace where longing
Can close its weary eyes.

Love can seldom end clean;
For all the tissue is torn
And each lover turned stranger
Is dropped into a ruin of distance.
Where emptiness is young and fierce.

Time becomes strange and slipshod;
It mixes memories that felt
The kiss of the eternal
With the blistering hurt of now.

Unknown to themselves,
Certain small things
Touch nerve-lines to the heart
And bring back with colour and force
All that is utterly lost.

This is the time to be slow,
Lie low to the wall
Until the bitter weather passes.

Try, as best you can, not to let
The wire brush of doubt
Scrape from your heart
All sense of yourself
And your hesitant light.

If you remain generous,
Time will come good;
And you will find your feet
Again on fresh pastures of promise,
Where the air will be kind
And blushed with beginning.

John O'Donohue

come out of the cave...

Trying to find the strength and reason to get out of bed*, to get dressed, to put on make up, to eat, to keep going. Most mornings I lie there making a list of reasons to get up. After a few hours I usually find something convincing enough, either that or I am simply starving and must at least find my way to the fridge.

Clothes and make up always give a surprising lift to my spirits. Today I will be:
* Eating cheese

* Listening to mumford + sons and reading my current situation into every word and note.

* Immersing myself in the twitter world, now that I am back in a city (Belfast) where stuff happens I want to feel a bit more plugged in. Plus I just submitted my first entry to Artwiculate from the lovely creatives at Atto (two thirds of which are letting me crash in their house and tag along like their annoying cousin.)

* Making some little scrap notebooks for a craft fair coming up next month.

*molly is being minded by her auntie and uncle for a few weeks so I can get some head space.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

you left me in the dark

not sure what to say except that everything hurts. nothing is the same. everything is broken.

how will i ever be able to look at a photo of the last 7 years without feeling utterly devastated, heartbroken, abandoned, unloved, neglected, rejected, confused, very deeply sad.

love hurts. I shant brave that again.

I want to fall apart, I want to lose my mind, I want to fade off. But I have my girl, my molly. And I will somehow stay together for her. she deserves this devastation and rejection even less than I. how my heart aches for her.