I am so cream crackerd!

The House

There is cous-cous on the bathroom floor, wheetabix stuck into the kitchen walls, crayon on the bedroom wall, the fridge is crying out to be purged of out of date food, the garbage needs taken out, laundry needs done, pots and pans need washed and I still haven't unpacked boxes after moving in nearly a month ago. I also have bills that need my attention and forms that need filled in.

The Pregnancy

My ribs are killing me, I feel like I can't take a decent deep breath and every time I get into bed I can hardly catch my breath. My pelvis is sore and for two days now I've had braxton hicks, which makes me feel like I'm continually doing crunches. This morning I did my weekly protein check on my pee and it showed up high, which meant a trip to the hospital to check my preeclampsia hadn't returned. False alarm - all is well, though I can't help but admit that I'm a little disappointed I'm not sure I can take another 5 weeks of this baby getting bigger and bigger! I'm so so so unbelievably tired.

The Toddler

I've pretty much lost the ability to chase her around the park now, so she is cooped up a lot more. I'm trying to get her used to feeding herself with a spoon (to make mealtimes a little easier on me), which isn't going well, hence the wheetabix on the walls.

She's started taking major tantrums with me when I'm changing her diaper/nappy, kicking me in the belly repeatedly, it usually results in us hugging each other, both in tears and exhausted from all the exertion.

UPDATE: it's now 4am and molly has been awake for hours, just kicking her crib and making noise. when i go into her she smiles and giggles, there is nothing wrong with her. i'm so flipping tired and pissed off! feck feck feck, i took myself to bed early tonight/last night and ordered myself i would wake up in a good mood in the morning and be a good mum. now all i can think is how fecking pissed of i'm gonna be in a few hours when she's up for the day.

That's all really. Just cream crackerd. Thanks for letting me crumble. And here is a video of the little lady at a Bollywood Baby Rave this week, put on by Belfast's Children's Festival.

punching my pillows

It wasn't the first time.

He'd wronged me before.

And I felt my heart ache. To watch the love I'd held so very dear fracture because of the shiny, new "trinket of temptation". To be overlooked, betrayed and manipulated by the one person in the world who was supposed to love, honour and cherish me.

It hurt so much then that I thought i'd been dealt my worst blow. I thought this could never happen again because this was enough pain for one person to bear.

Then I fell miraculously pregnant. We made a molly. We had a new direction. A hopeful little bundle of softness and giggles. We were finding our feet again and growing strong. I started to admire him again. To see my beautiful daughter sleep against her daddy's chest, melted my heart.

But along came another, shinier, newer. And apparently nothing else mattered.

This is the part where I'm swearing and punching my pillows.....

The Virgin Suicides Dress

Ireland has been struck with some seriously gorgeous weather lately. Toddler + apartment + sunny day = cooped up, sweaty, cabin fever, so me and Molly jumped in the car today and set out in pursuit of a happy field to roam about in. We love the park and try to spend most weekday mornings toddling through there, feeding ducks, playing on the swings and chasing after blowing-bubbles.

But sometimes it can get a little exhausting chasing after my little running lady with the dangers of the river, the road and broken glass all about, especially when my body (33 weeks preggo) is crying out for as much rest as possible.

The solution? A freshly mown field! preferably animal and cow-pat free, lots of space for molly to run free yet with fences/hedges preventing her from disappearing out of my view.

I didn't really get the best photos of my dress but I felt it was time for me to post something a little lighter on this blog of mine. When I saw this dress in Value Village (oh how I miss thee value village!) I instantly thought of the infamous prom dress in Sofia Coppola's 'The Virgin Suicides'.

(My favourite thing about this movie is the soundtrack, I wrote all my uni essays whilst listening to Air)

Ze Dress blends in quite well with this seasons maxi dresses yet it's old and totally handmade. I like to think of the love and attention poured into it over the years, I imagine the occasions it may have been worn to; a rural dance? or perhaps it was an old school bridesmaid dress?

Over and out from Molly, Mr bump and Me.

Dear Pregnancy Hormones,

You suck. You made me cry down the phone to the car insurance guy who told me I need to pay a small fortune because they've decided the won't consider my no claims bonus from Canada. And now it's my big night out to the movies with a friend and I've got stingy eyes.

There's too much fuel for your fire Mr Pregnancy Hormones. This time round I can't tell myself it's all in my head and I'm just being hormonal. This time round I can't just sit in bed all day knitting, reading and crying at tv shows. This time I have a little girl to run after, entertain, cuddle, dress, feed....

But I'm putting on a smiley face and going out anyway. I won't let you win.

Introducing the dreads

This little girl likes to twirl her hair. She likes to twirl her hair so much that she gives herself big kick ass matts, 'dreads' if you will. 'Dreads' that eventually need cut out due to their very effective food storing skills. The other day I noticed she was twirling her hair with a good deal of frustration. When I looked closer I discovered she'd got her finger tightly bound in her hair and it was cutting off the circulation to her finger tip!! Mama came to the rescue.

Still there is nothing more beautiful than tucking her in at night, passing her her teddy (which she snuggles tightly with a little squeal of glee) and then the finger goes automatically to the little wisp of hair behind her ear as her eyes start to float back in her head.

I didn't expect plain sailing, but.....

I've taken to watching tv till the moment I fall asleep. It keeps the bad thoughts away...as much as they can be kept away. Last night I was watching Jools Holland (a late night music show in the UK) and Tracey Thorn was on with this song:

There were tear stained tissues all around by the time she finished the song. Next came Crowded House singing 'Don't dream it's over'. I couldn't help but half laugh at the contrast. I've always loved 'Don't dream..' it's more the tone I always thought my love life would take, the 'yes it's hard but we are gonna make it through' tone. I never expected everything to always be rosy and plain sailing, but I thought that the essence of real romance was in the sticking it out and working through the storm together.... Instead Tracey Thorn's 'oh the divorces' fitted my life much better. Bleak, broken promises, shattered dreams and just plain sad.

It's Saturday night, Molly is being baby sat and I have nothing to do. My couple friends are doing couple things, my single friends are doing single things (remember, I'm 32 weeks pregnant, I'm not really ready to be part of the party). And I am left lingering in the middle and not really fitting in anywhere.

Sorry about the depressed whining. This blog will go back to being light hearted and happy someday. I do have hope for that.

finding comfort from others on my path.

Since everything changed I've had a hard time relating with the usual blogs I used to frequent. Many of them were about family and motherhood, but in the more conventional "nuclear" sense. Now the sight of a glowing 2.4 family just makes me want to hurl. Some of the worst ones are the pictures you see in pregnancy magazines of the guy kissing the mother-to-be's growing belly, BLURGHHHHH. I recently passed on my favourite Nikki Mclure print to a friend who wont have to feel sad every time she sees this image.

What used to be comforting, inspiring and aspirational now intimidates and tortures me. On a few occasions I've recalled to memory an old momversation episode that featured a single mama blogger. A few nights ago i trawled through the backlog of episodes and found her. Since, i've been spending a lot of time over at ms.single mama and felt so much relief from hearing her perspective on parenting, family, love and life. So many times i've found myself nodding away as I read.

Alaina featured me and my story just yesterday and since then I've been receiving so many affirming comments from women in a similar position. At first it felt strange to have the harsh reality of my situation out there, I'd been wavering back and forth as to how much I might

share online. But the sharing has brought me comfort and encouragement from those finding their own way along the path of single motherhood.

So a big thank you to those of you who have reached out and gave me a "virtual hug". It makes it all feel a little less overwhelming.

Me and the mollster are getting settled into our own little apartment and I'm trying to find my feet with parenting solo style. It can feel very lonely knowing there is no one coming home to me at the end of the day to talk to and to help out with the mollyness. It's exhausting* and I spend most of my day feeling lousy at being a mum. I'm due mr bump on July 6th and he seems to be sucking out all my energy and making me feel totally immobile.

Molly got a nasty tummy bug the other day and, in between cleaning up the endless poop and vomit, we spent the whole day snuggling, me stroking her hair and her nuzzling into me as much as possible. She's also started to lean in and give me kisses. These things keep me going.

* I must mention, that I do get a lot of help from my family, it would do them a great discredit not to mention that. But I am trying my best to take on the main load, it's important for me that I am molly's primary carer and that she knows that.