There are so many things I wanted to say, but couldn't.
I can't be vulnerable with you and that hurts so much. You were always my person to run to when I felt vulnerable. When I was scared my friends were leaving me out, when I didn't like the way I looked, when I'd left my assignments to the last minute, again, when i thought i'd been cruel, when I found out my mum was dying....I was always running to you. Now you are the last person I can run to.
I wanted to tell you how desperately I missed you. How you are my best friend and I need my best friend. Every time I laugh, every time I cry, every time I'm bored, every time I see a movie, hear a song, hang a picture, go for a walk, every night when I get into bed, I miss you. But you can't be my refuge any longer, you are no longer safe. It's done.
I hate to see you sabotage yourself. Because I care about you and, dare I say it, Because I love you. I used to lie on your chest, listening to your heart beat and worry for how fragile you sounded. To think that your existence, would vanish if that heartbeat stopped, or at least it would to me. I remember sitting with you, squeezing your leg when you got a tooth pulled out. I saw the bright red blood trickle down your chin and it made me ache to think of your blood being spilt. the vulnerability, the fragility, of you.
Yes, it makes me furious to see you walk out on our children. But it also makes me so painfully sad, for YOUR sake. You were born to be a daddy. And you loved it, it brought you so much joy. You frequently referred to it as 'the best thing in the world'. Now the thought of them must hurt, to see a photo of our molly - it must be agony.
Of course I want her to be able to run into her daddy's arms, but I also want YOU to be able to hold your daughter. To giggle with her, to tickle her till she's sick, to teach her amazing things about blades of grass, to gaze at the stars with her. I want you to be able to hold your newborn son in your arms and beam with pride. Instead you'll be seeing a photo on the internet, you'll be one spectator in a crowd, and you'll feel sadness. That's not the way it should be.
I wish I could save you from yourself. I think, if I could, I'd stand in front of a bus to stop you, I would.