Thursday, 17 June 2010

A Breach in Self Security.


From the latest University of Ulster art show

There are so many things I wanted to say, but couldn't.


I can't be vulnerable with you and that hurts so much. You were always my person to run to when I felt vulnerable. When I was scared my friends were leaving me out, when I didn't like the way I looked, when I'd left my assignments to the last minute, again, when i thought i'd been cruel, when I found out my mum was dying....I was always running to you. Now you are the last person I can run to.


I wanted to tell you how desperately I missed you. How you are my best friend and I need my best friend. Every time I laugh, every time I cry, every time I'm bored, every time I see a movie, hear a song, hang a picture, go for a walk, every night when I get into bed, I miss you. But you can't be my refuge any longer, you are no longer safe. It's done.


I hate to see you sabotage yourself. Because I care about you and, dare I say it, Because I love you. I used to lie on your chest, listening to your heart beat and worry for how fragile you sounded. To think that your existence, would vanish if that heartbeat stopped, or at least it would to me. I remember sitting with you, squeezing your leg when you got a tooth pulled out. I saw the bright red blood trickle down your chin and it made me ache to think of your blood being spilt. the vulnerability, the fragility, of you.


Yes, it makes me furious to see you walk out on our children. But it also makes me so painfully sad, for YOUR sake. You were born to be a daddy. And you loved it, it brought you so much joy. You frequently referred to it as 'the best thing in the world'. Now the thought of them must hurt, to see a photo of our molly - it must be agony.


Of course I want her to be able to run into her daddy's arms, but I also want YOU to be able to hold your daughter. To giggle with her, to tickle her till she's sick, to teach her amazing things about blades of grass, to gaze at the stars with her. I want you to be able to hold your newborn son in your arms and beam with pride. Instead you'll be seeing a photo on the internet, you'll be one spectator in a crowd, and you'll feel sadness. That's not the way it should be.


I wish I could save you from yourself. I think, if I could, I'd stand in front of a bus to stop you, I would.

13 comments:

RunnerSara said...

Alli,
Your post really hit home today. My daughter's dad (my husband for 8.5 years up until 4 months ago) is coming to get her and take her states away for the first time since he left us. I am in awe of your compassion, I wish I was less hateful. Right now I am so angry and bitter that I would love to push my daughter's dad in front of a bus, not save him! Your post today couldn't have been better timed, it reminded me (yet again) that its not about just us, but about our daughter. I don't know how she's going to hold up with him, and I know I'll have to clean up his mess when she comes back. But I'm okay with that, because I'd rather have to deal with the most horrible times of her life, then not be in her life. Keep your chin up, you're an inspiration!

Kathy said...

Your graciousness amazes me Alli. I have a few things I'd like to say to him too, but none of them good.

grumblymon said...

Hey! Don't give up yeah? Though I'm merely just an outsider and I'm not really good at words, but still, I wanna give u my blessings and continue to propel in life! =))

Anonymous said...

Your words hit me hard. My son's father left me the end of January, and on Valentine's Day I discovered the real reason he left was because of another girl. I say "girl" because she is a 16 year old high school student. He's 21. I felt worthless, like someone had ripped out my heart, kicked it around in dirt, lit it on fire and stuffed it back in my chest. Four years of my life were dedicated to him, and he could just walk away from our son and me and not look back once. Everyone told me that I shouldn't even let him see our, now, 18 month old son. Despite our custody agreement, which I filed for a month after the break up, I let him visit when it was best
for him. But then then the visits stopped. He no longer calls to ask how our son is doing, nor does he help financially. Child support is now on his ungrateful bum. Yet, after all of the events that have transpired, I still "love" him. He destroyed our family, and hurt me more than I knew I was capable of being hurt, but when I lay alone at night, as our son sleeps, I get lost in my thoughts which lead back to the pain of a lost love. I too wish I could save my ex from himself. But I know my son deserves more of a father than my ex.
I once heard that "A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take." You are an inspirational woman, and I wish you good fortune and blessings. Good luck with your delivery, and continue being the admirable mother you are. (:

Eva Marie said...

I don't think I have ever read someones true thoughts written so perfectly..

the situation is sad, he is sad, but you.. you are wonderful and an amazing mother

MoosMamma said...

Your compassion is amazing... my heart hurts for everything you have gone through.... and your strength... tho I am sure there are days you don't feel you have it.. astounds me....

alli magee said...

thanks for the comments, yet again, encouraging to know my thoughts don't just echo off the walls. sometimes i question why i blog at all, am i just attention seeking?

i am not good at suffering in silence, sometimes that feels like a big flaw in me, i wish i could be silent and stoical.

all i know is that it helps. pressing the publish button helps and reading your comments helps. I just hope all this vulnerability doesn't bite me in the ass someday.

Anonymous said...

Alli...I have been there. One year ago today I too would have stood in front of a bus. But no longer. It is not for you to suffer on behalf of someone else...you have enough of your own suffering to do. Lighten your load.

Kirsty Deary said...

You and your family are often in my prayers. xxx

Bryn said...

You are a much better person than I'll ever be. I feel no sadness or pity for what my husband threw away. It's absolutely his loss. All I feel are anger and hatred toward him for his incredibly selfish, stupid decisions. Everyone says I should forgive him, for my sake, not his. I refuse to let him off so easily.

YOU are amazing! Quite obviously just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. Your babies are so lucky to have a mom like you!

Cibele said...

Ali
I felt the same way when My ex husband left. I could have written this post word by word. Reading your post brought me back those memories. Unfortunately , even all this love, all the intensity dies out with time. For me the man I loved, my best friend, became a stranger. I still miss him, but the guy I see in front of me now it is not the one I loved so much. It is like a death. I wish you the best and I hope that he can come around and come to his senses. Take care and keep being strong, you will be okay

Volatile said...

To be vulnerable is to be woundable. Something I know all too well. It is so cliche but if you never allowed yourself to be vulnerable..you wouldn't have Molly, you wouldn't have the memories, and you may be a very different person than the amazing one that you are. Vulnerability is a risk, and sometimes it can turn around and hurt so much you can't breathe...but without it, you wouldn't have some great things that came from that inherent risk. Blog to your hearts content. Cry out words and know that somewhere in the world, at any given time, someone is thinking about you. Drawing strength from you, and loving you. XoXo

cassee01 said...

I admire your grace but I don't think the person you loved is the same person anymore.