Sunday, 27 June 2010


I am watching the minutes tick down till I turn 27 years old.

18 minutes.

I'm searching for some significance in the number 27....I was born 27 years ago. I have lived 27 years.

17 minutes.

I am ushering this new year in alone. There is a couple in the house opposite me snuggling and watching tv.

16 minutes.

My daughter is asleep in the room next to me. My son is inside my stomach, kicking at my ribs. Maybe that isn't alone. To be honest though, it doesn't feel like enough.

15 minutes.

I'm listening to sad music because I want to be able to contemplate this moment, not sure what I'm looking for.

14 minutes.

I'm thinking about how I feel about myself. I'm proud of myself for many things lately:
(for example, last night I camped in the mountains, with my 18 month old daughter and 8 days till
my son is due, I think that's quite an achievement)
I am in shock that I have survived the last 6 months of my life.

13 minutes.

I'm trying to remember my last birthday. I can't remember anything about it. Maybe that's a good thing.

12 minutes.

Time has started to feel like a series of hurdles I have to jump over. How many more days, months, years, till I can live in my moment again?

11 minutes.

How many more leaps till I feel 'over it'.

10 minutes.

There is little, if anything, from my past that I can recall without feeling so desperately sad. Because it all happened with a feeling of continuity. Then things so abruptly stopped. With no warning

9 minutes.

I need new memories, new hopes, new dreams.

8 minutes.

7 minutes.

Do we start out with blissfully naive ideas about life and with time we learn not to have such high hopes? Or has life been dandy and then bam, a sudden dip?? I don't really have perspective on that at the moment.

6 minutes.

I don't know what to wish for when I blow the candles out.

5 minutes.

Honest to goodness, you know what I wished for for as long as I can remember. every. single. time. I had the opportunity to wish for anything?

4 minutes.

For true love. Really. As sentimental as it sounds it really is what I always wished for. I've never told anyone that before, because I was a little superstitious about telling wishes.

3 minutes.

But I'm not sure if I should wish for that anymore. I assumed that true love was permanent. I thought I'd found it. So I either wasn't truly loved or true love isn't (necessarily) permanent.

2 minutes.

I wish to be the best I can be.

1 minute.

The best mother, daughter, friend, sister, neighbour... To be the best that I can be to myself.

I am 27 years old and I wish that I am enough.


Anonymous said...

Happy birthday mama! You are lovely! You are amazing! And you are not alone because there are a lot of yous out here who are in varying stages of getting over IT. Love to you on your birthday.

Jamie Council said...

This ripped at my heart because I sit in my room, after my children are asleep, and repeat these words. Know that you are not alone, even when it feels like it. Breathe each day and be glad the sun shines each day on your day we will both be glad it shines on us. I am with you in thought!

Melissa said...

You are not alone. You are connected to everyone and everything.
You are very special and your children are blessed to have you as their mum.
Happy Birthday dear Alli. Things can only get better.

Manda said...

Happy birthday. My thoughts are with you!

Anonymous said...

Dear Allie, You most certainly are enough. You were designed and formed by the Most High God, as are your two precious little ones. Men (or women, if the shoe is on the other foot!) can break our hearts; that doesn't mean we are not worthy or not 'enough', it means they are sometimes foolish and selfish. Please read Psalm 139 and remember that you are never alone. Love and prayers, Kathy Waters

nicole marie said...

Happy birthday!! This post made me think back to turning 27... I had two little boys 7 & 4 years old & I'd been on my own for going on 3 years (now my oldest just turned 14!). Everything will be amazing, you'll see! From the little glimpse of your life on this blog, I have no doubt. Beauty attracts beauty... before long you will look back and be amazed at all the magic that has always surrounded you...

Kirsty Deary said...

As I read your post I too was thinking of psalm 139 (given that I almost never think in scripture I think this must be significant).
I hope that you have a lovely birthday.
Remeber that whatever happens to you God will NEVER forsake you.

Anne said...

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40: 29-31
Don't know if this is any help Alli but they are some of my favourite verses and they came to me as i read this!

Bryn said...

Happy Birthday! I hope it was a wonderful day for you, your first birthday in this new, beautiful life you are building for yourself and your babies!

I'm only a two weeks away from celebrating my "first" birthday as well, I DO remember my last birthday, but wish I didn't.

Big hugs to you and the bubs!

QuirkyGirl said...

I can only be me...who ever that is. - Bob Dylan

Eva Marie said...

Happy Champagne Birthday Mama!!
Your look radiant :)

Heather said...

Hang in there! You have come so far! In another year or two, you will look back on this time with so much wonder at your own survival skills...but it will get better. My husband left me at 27, 8 mths pregnant with a 2 yr old. The first year was so hard, but it got better and will be happy again!

thisteacherslife said...

Are you sure your son is inside your stomach? Never mind, just my aspergers kicking in.
by the by, if I had to define emotional strength it would be you. Stay strong.

hannah and landon said...

Much love from this continent to yours. I wish you all the best and much deserved happiness in this new year.

dana said...

Happy Birthday! You look fabulous -- which I think must come from a place of love and strength within. Best of luck in the coming weeks! Can't wait to hear about the birth and see your beautiful babe.

Heather k said...

This is beautifully written. I have a wee tear.

Maybe This Time said...

what a beautiful, simple wish-that we all need to make. You are amazing! and the truest love? was in the room beside you and in you! may 27 be a year of hope, promise, and peace.

amyinbc said...

You are going to be just fine my dear. In time this very, very difficult time will be behind you and you will be on your feet again. In the meantime enjoy your gorgeous baby(s!) and be good to yourself.

Cibele said...

Happy belated birthday. What a wonderful post. I was at the same place my last birthday. Trust me, next birthday will be different. You will find love again my dear. What a strong woman you are. Realizing that you are enough is the first step. At least for me it was a turning point

Leslie said...

Happy Birthday! I have to say turning 27 was my most difficult b-day. I don't know why, maybe because I was that much closer to 30...? I reflected on everything from my past and wondered if my future was going to be good enough... it was a very contemplative b-day. However I just had my 30th last week and life has become so much grander (in a simpler way if that makes sense) than I could have thought possible. Everyone said it would be too, but I didn't believe them. Funny how that works! I am positive that this will pass and you will find that you certainly are enough. You seem to have your head on way straighter than you think you do. :) The happiest of wishes on your 27th year!

Anonymous said...