I am watching the minutes tick down till I turn 27 years old.
I'm searching for some significance in the number 27....I was born 27 years ago. I have lived 27 years.
I am ushering this new year in alone. There is a couple in the house opposite me snuggling and watching tv.
My daughter is asleep in the room next to me. My son is inside my stomach, kicking at my ribs. Maybe that isn't alone. To be honest though, it doesn't feel like enough.
I'm listening to sad music because I want to be able to contemplate this moment, not sure what I'm looking for.
I'm thinking about how I feel about myself. I'm proud of myself for many things lately:
(for example, last night I camped in the mountains, with my 18 month old daughter and 8 days till
my son is due, I think that's quite an achievement)
I am in shock that I have survived the last 6 months of my life.
I'm trying to remember my last birthday. I can't remember anything about it. Maybe that's a good thing.
Time has started to feel like a series of hurdles I have to jump over. How many more days, months, years, till I can live in my moment again?
How many more leaps till I feel 'over it'.
There is little, if anything, from my past that I can recall without feeling so desperately sad. Because it all happened with a feeling of continuity. Then things so abruptly stopped. With no warning
I need new memories, new hopes, new dreams.
Do we start out with blissfully naive ideas about life and with time we learn not to have such high hopes? Or has life been dandy and then bam, a sudden dip?? I don't really have perspective on that at the moment.
I don't know what to wish for when I blow the candles out.
Honest to goodness, you know what I wished for for as long as I can remember. every. single. time. I had the opportunity to wish for anything?
For true love. Really. As sentimental as it sounds it really is what I always wished for. I've never told anyone that before, because I was a little superstitious about telling wishes.
But I'm not sure if I should wish for that anymore. I assumed that true love was permanent. I thought I'd found it. So I either wasn't truly loved or true love isn't (necessarily) permanent.
I wish to be the best I can be.
The best mother, daughter, friend, sister, neighbour... To be the best that I can be to myself.
I am 27 years old and I wish that I am enough.