Wednesday, 24 July 2013

How To Say Goodbye

He's gone. He choose to go. This time not just leaving wife and child, but leaving us all. I keep typing his name into google expecting to see something new from him, a tweet? a pin? anything please, I'll take it...just not this silence. Looking at old emails, I cannot believe that there will be no more, nor any chance to reply?!  How is this the very end.

Trawling through the old photos I have not dared to revisit during the last three years, I can't help but see the shocking similarities between father and son. I wish they could have met. We have all lost so much in this horrific reality.

My days are not hopeless, my daily life is oddly unchanged. But my heart is heavy and when I wake every morning and remember, I am so very sad. Though I know death is not final, it feels so sudden to know we are no longer on the planet together.

I have been writing, trying to somehow draw out straight lines from the tangled, complicated knot in my stomach. Whenever I find some sense I will post it here.


13 comments:

alli steen said...

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Anonymous said...

utterly heartbroken for you, your beautiful children and everyone shane touched during his life - i know there were many. you have been on my heart and in my prayers a lot during these last couple of years. my prayers and love for you continue. much love xx

Anonymous said...

so very sorry

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry , I know what it feels like to mourn a relationship as if your DH were dead.but the rawness of it becoming reality must be hard to bare. But you are one sassy lady to blog through your pain. Your amazinv xxx Much love Mathilde Drewe x x

Kate said...

Sending prayers and loving thoughts your way. So very sorry for your loss...

Anonymous said...

So very sorry for your loss.

AishaltonSarah said...

Dear Alli, we met once, at the Hayes Conference Centre in Derbyshire when you were on your way to Canada. Shane was doing a talk for me to a crowd of Jesuits. It was surreal to me so I cannot IMAGINE how surreal to you. I know no-one from his recent life except you, and we don't KNOW each other in any meaningful sense anyway. But I was hoping you would post. I heard a few days late. I am still reeling. And will be for months(he was my oldest friend) but I am so aware that it's only a fragment of what you feel. A fragment that feels pretty sharp, though. I want to send you my heartfelt ... what? Can't quite put my finger on it. My heartfelt in-it-with-someone-ness. I think that is literally compassion but that is not what it usually means. Anyway. I feel my pain as you feel yours. The landscape has shifted irrevocably. Please keep posting. It sounds so melodramatic, but it is the only thread I (and maybe others) have left. Thank you for your posts. You have a courage that hits the back of the throat of people who do not even know you. That's a legacy... Very best, Sarah Broscombe

Anonymous said...

Dear Alli,
I have followed your blog since your heartbreak begain with leaving Canada. I wish you peace. In many ways the fact that he is dead will be better for your children. They will not have to know that their father choose not to be a part of their lives. He had problems & then departed. Far easier for a child to live with that as opposed with a father that chooses to ignore them. Death often brings back fond memories; better to share those.

Hoping you and your children live with happiness & enjoy life & their father through your loving eyes. Take care of you & keep loving those beautiful children that are such wonderful gifts from God! You are a true inspiration & such a strong woman.

Glenn Eve said...

Hi Ali...

We've never met, and I only knew Shane for a little over 24 hours. We met through friends that I had travelled out to visit from Toronto - one week prior to his leaving us.

We connected in a very intense way, having conversations spanning so many different topics. He also spoke of his past, his ghosts and his regrets.

Our meeting was a gift for me in some way, though I still have not come to terms with exactly what it is...

He spoke of you and the children to me late in the evening... through hushed tones and tears. You were in his thoughts, and I really wish that I could have helped him vanquish his demons.

I hope you don't mind me sharing these words with you.

Anonymous said...

Alli, you are an inspiration to all young women. I love your bravery and inner-strength.

AishaltonSarah said...

Hoping you are OK

nike air max zapatillas said...

Hoping you are OK

Book Byatch Queen Mistress of all She Reads said...


After the storm
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,