here I am.
I’ve taken to wondering if this is something I actually have to put out there, because I seem to fluctuate between two extremes:
- Who the hell would want me?!
- Alright, I know I’m a mess and I’m ginger and all, but I’m kind of cute and I really, really love kissing.
So I wonder if the best way to figure out which thesis rings most true is to put it out there:
DATING, I’M UP FOR IT.
Back in August I declared (to myself) that this academic year was going to be it: The Year of Dating. Not online dating though, I’m not talking about those kind of dates that you instantly want out of and then cringe/cry all the way home from in the car. I’m talking about handsome men, chemistry, a wee drink and kissing…always the kissing.
It’s now November and 5 dates, two guys, a few random kisses in bars with total strangers (don’t judge), a whole new wardrobe and (here’s the rub) a lot of tears, later – I’m seriously considering cutting The Year of Dating drastically short.
It is fun, the adrenaline is pumping, the flirting is swell, the kissing is BEAUT, but the rejection is so very, very frightening and sadly, the rejection, is also real. In truth, the most harmless of fun has actually been with the strangers because there is no opportunity for rejection if I run away before they’ve even caught my name.
But the guys who know my name, the guys who have already been run through my worthy-meter, they seem so promising, they chase me, they want me, they wine me, they dine me and then – they disappear. And I find myself back to my original conundrum:
- Who the hell would want me? I clearly do something very wrong a few dates in, yet I can’t seem put my finger on what it may be specifically. So it must be everything, everything is wrong with me, who the hell would want me.
- Alright, I’m not looking for love* and marriage here, and let me once and for all dispel the assumption you all may jump to, I’ve been parenting on my own for 6 years, I’m well used to that and I gave up the search for a father figure long, long ago. All I want is some fun – matched with basic respect. Yes, that's right, some level of actual CARE. Is this really too much to ask for? Didn’t you notice I’m kind of cute and LOVE kissing?!
The jury is out, the decision has not yet been made, the love of kissing and prospect of more of it probably delays my conclusion somewhat. The fear of judgment and the possibility of future cringe worthy remorse at this stage of life will limit this post to harmless sharing between friends. So the world will have to wait for my grand announcement, my coming out, my debutant ball – Year of Dating – I announce you with a whisper.
Be gentle with me for I am being so very brave.
* This may be a lie, I might quite like the love bit (goes and hides in a corner and hugs knees).