Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Away

Found in The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

"Come" she says looking up at me and holding up her hand.


It's one of the clearest words she says, I couldn't quite believe she was saying it at first because it was so clear, it wasn't in toddler dialect, there were no subtitles needed, just plain and simple "come!". She always says it with bright eyes, like she has a great idea and she wants me to be part of it. An invitation that's impossible to refuse.


There never seems to be any clear purpose in where we are going. I imagine if she could she would tell me 'the destination isn't the point mummy!'. She loves to run. Loves it. In any direction, so long as it's 'away'.


After a while of her guiding me I attempt to subtly take over and guide her back in the direction of the stroller or, more urgently, away from the road. She'll go along with it for a few steps and then she clues in, thrashes her arm about in an effort to release her hand from my tightening grasp and squeals for freedom.


We are standing in an expansive field, recently mown. I'm feeling very proud of myself for taking her here instead of the park, for adapting to her need to run and roam freely.


"come on!" I say with a big (and slightly desperate) smile, encouraging her to expend her energy in the wide open space before her. I skip towards the middle and do a twirl with arms stretched out wide. She pauses and looks at me suspiciously, "nu" (subtitles : no) she says shaking her head and waging her finger. She turns around and heads towards the small opening in the field, towards the road, the one place she can't go.


Tantrums ensue, eventually I pull the heavy gate over the opening and stand in the middle of the field with a banana as bate. This results in her climbing half way up the gate and shaking it screaming like a tiny enraged prisoner.


*Sigh*, why is the forbidden always so enticing? I hang my shoulders and accept defeat. I couldn't convince her father that staying within the perimeters was...better, worth it, safer, appealing... how do I teach her?


There are many times within every day that I want to run, anywhere, so long as it's away. I joked with a friend the other day that if I could cryogenically freeze my children I would throw a backpack on my back and go see South America for 6 months. But I can't. I must stay away from the road, colour within the lines. And I must tell myself on the bad days, that the grass is greenest where I am.


I've been staring around the room for the last hour trying to figure out how to finish this post. Then I noticed the little tiny handprints on the tv screen, the ones I haven't had the heart to wipe off because they warm my heart. Being here, not running but staying here in the moment with her, it makes the grass the brightest green. She will only be this little once, I don't want to miss it. I was scrolling through old journals the other night, many entries, filled with a hope that seems like it was a waste in the end. But I found this little doodle I did when molly was a squishy little newborn and filled with the awe of motherhood.

It is an honour and a privilege to be in her presence. So I'm sticking around and I'll be standing nearby whenever she holds up her hand and asks me to come with her on her latest adventure.


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**Mr Bump Update** Warning, not for those that don't want to know about cervix's and the like.


Mr Bump has still not made an appearance, I'm now one day overdue. I've had two cervical sweeps, 3 reflexology sessions, a billions baths, hundreds of cups of raspberry leaf tea, two 3 star curries and a lot of bouncing on the birthing ball. I was 3cm dilated on monday and a few days before that I thought i'd passed my mucus plug but, as of 10 minutes ago i'm thinking that was just a leetle bebe plug because I just passed the mother of all plugs! So here is hoping contractions will kick in very soon.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I read your blog avidly. I feel for your situation but also you seem to be handling it much better than can be expected, you are awe inspiring. Have you ever considered writing a book? I think you would be amazing at it.

Sarah said...

Hang in there dear! We are all cheering for you and sending our love. You are a strong woman and can do this! Good luck and I can't wait to meet the new angel!
-From a fellow single mother of a 19 month old.

Eva Marie said...

OMG mr bump is cominggg so exciting :) your so close you can almost feel him :)

I hate when people ask me if my daughter was planned or unplanned - what does it matter? she's already here.. we are not married as of yet but she was not planned and there was times and times when she cries where I think for a split second oo the things I wish I did before she came - but like you i catch a glimpse and wouldnt want it any other way.. she loves me, i get to be her mother.. i feel honored

Tansy said...

Oooh good luck with Mr Bump's arrival!!! I've been checking for updates, so excited for you.

I have moments when I wonder what if..? Especially because I do get times without my boys where I can get a sense of the other side of the fence, but then they come home and are as messy and noisy and demanding as ever, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I understand it as recognising that I am not just a mum, but have the potential to be lots of other thing too, some that I can't be right now, but can dream of for the time once the boys grow up. Think of it as daydreaming for the future.

Best wishes, and know that your blog community are holding your hand every step of the way! x

Bryn said...

He's coming sooooooon! Lots of love and hugs and peaceful, easy labor vibes!

Colleen said...

congrats!!!

Anonymous said...

Your right, the grass is always greenest when you are with your children. I feel so blessed every day to have my beautiful, wonderful children. The absence of a father does not anger me, nor upset me, it makes me pity them because what they are missing is something truely amazing and wonderful. Of course, I wish stability for my children, but they have more stability with me as a single mum than they would have had with their sorry excuses for fathers. We are happy Alli, and you will be happy, when the new baby comes along you wont even have time to contemplate what could have and should have been. What you have is something so many others wish for, revel in it, enjoy every second, let the absolute beauty and wonder of your children consume you. You won't regret it.

decorative rabbit said...

Dear, Alli! I've been reading your blog for a while. I finally decided to leave some words here, because Anonymous here hinted about others not having what you have. That's, oh, so true! Some people pray for children, but the never come to them. But you are blessed - you now will have two (hope the little one is on his way as I'm typing this :)))! You seem to be such a sweet and bright person, and a beautiful woman (don't forget that!! you really are!! :))) and I keep my fingers crossed that, when time passes, you'll overcome loss of a man in your family and find strenght in yourself and in your beautiful children!

Gigi said...

Your post just made me cry. Hang in there and remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Thank you for sharing your life with us...

dana said...

Mr. BUMPPPPPPPPP! He's coming...

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog - thinking and praying for you muchly. You are right children are so precious and it's not always easy but it is sooooo worth every minute. I wish I could freeze time or press rewind at some point every day. I will be praying for you particularly over the next few days....xx EC

Cibele said...

WOW, WOW... many times I felt the same way. Overwhelmed by the task of being a single mother of a young baby , needing so bad to just run in any direction. But she always kept me in place and being her mother was enough and kept my grass looking greened. Thank you so much for sharing this