Monday, 12 September 2011

Going Backwards...

Source: via Alli on Pinterest

Molly was on the naughty spot for forty minutes today. Forty minutes of screaming, yelling, kicking and wailing. When it gets past two minutes the point of the punishment becomes irrelevant and the time out is more about putting a healthy distance between two very angry people. I walked away from her wriggling, raging body and went downstairs, deliberately taking deep breaths with every step. I sat down on the couch picked up my journal and wrote five little words:

I hate being a mum.

Right in that moment I could barely have meant it more. Reaching that kind of brutal realisation was a culmination of many factors, toilet training being a large one, but the greatest contributer has nothing directly to do with Molly or Finch. It is this darn grim mood I've been wearing, or that's been wearing me. I feel I have been walking around heavy hearted for over two months now. It's different than I've felt before. It isn't an eventful sadness, just a deep one. I am continually racking my brain to figure out why, why now? I've been continuing along the same path for 21 months now things have been progressively been getting better, easier and more hopeful. I've felt capable and at times I even felt victorious. But now I feel right back at square one. I was standing alone in my kitchen the other day, sipping green tea and feeling bleak when I found myself sighing and saying aloud 'it's like he left me yesterday'. And that's how I feel most days (at the moment). I'm not sure wether it's the looming divorce, which of course I want, there is no turning back now and severing as many ties as possible is needed and wanted. But it's like my head is stuck in the past and each thought and memory ultimately concludes with the same resounding chorus 'how did it all go so wrong? how could he? how did I get here?'

It's a round the clock pity party I'm holding in my head. I do know that. But I feel I must enter it in order to get through it. I've taken up my journal again and am scribbling down my morbid thoughts in a hope to cleanse myself of them. Cleanse myself so that I do not let my ugly attitude leak and infest my parenting. When I happened upon the above image on a late night pin-party I nodded my head, I am 'going backwards to recover that which was left behind in the rush'.

This is the first night that Molly and Finch are sharing the same bedroom. It's something I'm going to try out for a while. Before I started writing this I snuck upstairs and peaked in on them. I tucked them in and made sure their favourite blankies were close at hand if they woke up scared, I kissed their little heads and I whispered five little words:

I love being a mum.


Anonymous said...

I have read your blog for some time & so admire you. Don't feel badly about being caught in emotions as you make final that which was over previously. You are a strong, good woman and mom. Give yourself some time to be sad. The future holds some beautiful things for you - you deserve so much more than you had.

Stay strong & be kind to yourself!

cassee01 said...

Every mom has those moments because being a mom is a hard job! As someone once told me, feelings are never wrong, it's the actions that you take based on those feelings that can be wrong or right. It's good to let the bad feelings out in the open so you can get rid of them.

When I read back over your blog about your marriage, I too was in disbelief that things could change so quickly not to mention that he just abandoned his children - but better now than later - and although you may mourn for what was the truth is that it never really was because he wasn't who you thought he was or he changed into someone you don't know and evidently that person is not a very good person so you are better off without him in your life.

Bryn said...

OMG I'm so there, right there where you are. It's been 22 months for me and I'm shocked to find myself grieving again. Still? I've had some great days, lots of really good things have happened, I've even been a couple of dates! Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I'm right back where I was 22 months ago, granted the searing, gut-wrenching pain is gone, but everything else is just the same. I tell myself it's ridiculous to still be feeling this way, it's been TWO YEARS! Surely I should be over this by now, God knows he's completely gotten on with his life....((((HUGS)))) for you, hoping your clouds lift soon.

alli steen said...

thank you for your comments. amazed that people care to read my rantings, but so love that my words don't just echo right back at me like they do in my brain!

cassee, I am better off, I just miss being happy like I was, but it was all an illusion.

Bryn, glad i'm not alone in this. two years sounds SO much longer than 24 months. I recommend we keep counting by the months and then we won't sound so ridiculous.


Anonymous said...

A long time ago I was in a very similar situation (and state of mind...)than you are. Wondering how it could be possible that I still mourned and had it difficult, even if things were slowly but surely getting better. I think it has something to do with the fact that our brain has a certain survival mechanism...and time as we know it, may not have so much to do with it after all. I used to get a lot out of a study which dealt with memories and the natural force of them. Of how our brain has a way of functioning...has been since our survival method was gathering. As our culture becomes more and more consuming-based,fast, over individualist...our brain doesn't have enough time to process things. For example one interesting fact came out of the study; people who kept and collected things, photos,teddybears,clothhes, whatever that had a positive memory or feeling, those people were most likely more safe from for example depression but also dementia. Hang in there, gather good memories, even if it sometimes feels artificial. Later on you notice the use of it :).

Anonymous said...

Its so "normal" hearing myself talk about my ex makes me feel stupid for sticking it out for so long but at time I just think "how could he?". Its a cycle Like K├╝bler-Ross, only the cycle doesn't always end sometimes you repeat stages. But this too shall pass.

alli steen said...

Maria, that's really interesting, makes me think the whole forgive and FORGET thing is useless and starting from scratch is counter productive. Time leaves fingerprints on us, scars even. We can't forget them and we can't wipe the slate clean. Yes, we all must dust ourselves off and turn the bitter into better. But sometimes we just need to stop and say OUCH, that hurt.

I've been thinking about Kubler Ross a lot lately. Not sure were I place myself on it though.

Thanks for the comments. x

Michelle said...

The lack of closure (impending divorce) keeps you from being able to properly begin to truly close that very painful chapter in your life. My experience is that when proper close came, I was able to heal at a more steady pace. God bless you and your precious babes.

Cibele said...

We have similar stories, it has been over 2 years for me and i find myself grieving again and I could not understand why and i thought that i was the only crazy one who feels this way. Thanks for sharing. I admire you a lot

Cibele said...

We have similar stories, it has been over 2 years for me and i find myself grieving again and I could not understand why and i thought that i was the only crazy one who feels this way. Thanks for sharing. I admire you a lot