Thursday, 11 August 2011

Finding Myself [single]

I've never been entirely fond of the concept of 'finding yourself'. It always seemed like a luxury reserved for middle class, naval gazing, women. Think of the constant self centered meanderings seen in Eat. Pray. Love [vomit] (I can only speak for the movie, not the book) or the selfish pursuits of Meryl Streeps character in Kramer vs Kramer. Ugh blah blah blah, why don't you just go eff* yourselves (*eff = find. See? I wasn't being profane, I was being witty :o)

But here's the thing. I 'find myself' using this phrase quite a lot now. Not so much in the vague, naval gazing sense, but as a precursor to something else 'I find myself thinking about an imaginary career', 'I find myself sitting cross legged on the kitchen floor shouting 'I'm the BOSSSS'', 'I find myself hiding in the laundry room eating a chocolate bar as fast as I can so the kids wont see' and most commonly 'I find myself - single again'. The phrase seems to have set up home in my daily vocabulary, a symptom of being involuntarily thrust from one phase of life [back] to another. A shorthand to describe the feeling of waking from a long sleep, scratching my head and squinting my eyes to figure out where I am.

And within this 'helpless' state I 'find myself' (there I go again) learning to discard my previous disdain for self discovery and dabbling in a bit of it myself. There are many times I catch myself mid sentence and suddenly think 'oh wait, do I really think that, or did he/we?'. Not that I was in any way a subservent, meager, imitator in my marriage. But It's impossible to be in a partnership and avoid the inevitable merging of views. In turn perhaps we compromise something of our true, authentic voice?

I'm not chanting in a candle lit room, or going on any exotic pilgrimages (if only the latter). But I do 'find myself' having to mull things over more. It isn't so much a journey of self discovery as it is self expansion. I have claimed it, made it deliberate and decisive. And fun.

I'm sure all of you fantastic blog readers will have came across this video many times. It seemed to go viral about 6 months ago. But you will never tire of a good thing so have another wee watch.

Ps. Guess who turned one?!

He is a perfect little man full of giggles and big sloppy kisses. I cannot imagine my life without him.

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