Saturday, 4 September 2010

My Own Shining Armour


Being single again means I am again feeling the pressure society puts on us all to couple up. I do the best I can to dismiss this pressure. I tell myself at least a handful of times each day that I must learn to be happy alone, that I can't just spend my days waiting for someone to make me happy, I must find happiness within. And I'm getting there, somedays, sometimes.

Besides, knights in shining armour do not exist. I know that now.

So I dress myself in my own armour. Made up with the mantras of modern day womanhood

who needs a man anyway

enforced with a (debatably) healthy dose of cynicism

they just cheat

and then for maximum self defense I build a bullet proof vest of self doubt

at least they do on me

From behind my shield I whisper.... When will I just be held again?....Kissed?

When will I offload my armour, strip off the 'Mum' costume I sport everyday and just be figuratively (and literally) naked and yet not alone.

Ever?

I pay lip service to the advantages of singledom. I tell myself this is just the way I want it.

But really

When lovers kiss in movies

I look away.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

My dear, I may not have the exact situation that you do...but I too look away when lovers kiss in movies. And feel like a giant failure when I am out with my friends and they are all in pairs

XoXo

Anonymous said...

Stripping the mum would be stripping you, because from now on they are part of you and will remain so until you die. You are not alone, you have two very beautiful children who hold you daily. There are many who have never been held at all, let alone by such a wonderful thing as a child. Intimacy with a man is not the most important thing, there is no social pressure, in fact single motherhood is very often more socially acceptable than parenting in a relationship. You are making these pressures yourself out of your own insecurity. No one is watching you, no one wants you to fail and no one expects you to be in a relationship, and if any one does they aren't worth caring about. You need to stop thinking about men in this way and simply concentrate on being a mum. They are brand new little people and will sense your insecurity.

Anonymous said...

As someone who just commented on the likelihood of your finding another relationship, I regret playing into a dated version of femininity/motherhood that necessitates having a man around. I'm sorry if that caused you pain.

When people suggest, implicitly or explicitly, that you will couple up again, remember that it's often with the best of intentions (e.g., to reassure you that you are worthy of intimacy and love). Not to make you feel inadequate. Sadly, I can now see how such comments hurt. Sorry.

I am glad to hear that you are striving to find peace within yourself. That's a much nobler and more enduring goal. And when you are strong and confident, the rest will follow easily.

alli magee said...

oh don't worry I didn't write this blog as a response to your comment at all. it was written whilst watching a romantic girly movie and was much more a reaction to it! :o)

I didn't find your comment offensive at all. it's nice to have someone say 'if ya want it you could have it'.

sorry for making you think i was reacting negatively to your encouragement.

alli

Anonymous said...

How sweet of you to clarify. And perhaps a bit egocentric to think you'd be reading so much into online comments with so much else to occupy your time.

On a different note, may you continue to entertain yourself with girly movies, making beautiful things, the antics of the children etc. Indulge yourself.

Be grateful that you have been spared further disappointment with a man who could not be the monogamous partner you need.

As that genius, Mick Jagger, sang:

"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
You just might find
You get what you need"

Momma Sunshine said...

The only thing I've got for you is it's just going to take time.

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

Someday Alli. Somone will see what "the man" threw away and you will be loved again., maybe not this year or next, but there is someone out there that will love you and hold you and tell you what a wonderful human being you truly are.Kisses a hugs will come back to you. For now though your two beautiful babies will love you unconditionally.

kindred spirit said...

i can relate in so many ways....

we are strong women, we do not need to be saved.(what i say over and over) generally speaking, once you rediscover yourself and are at peace,that is when having a partner will just be icing on the cake....this is what i am striving for long term.

keep going girlie! xoxo

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