Maternal Mental Health Week has came to a close and I’ve found it so refreshing to read peoples stories via #realmotherhood . Today my relentless timehop feed boldly reminded me that I might share a snippet of my own story.
Just one year ago I took this photo,
I was on extended sick leave with stress (read: barely keeping it together), every day was a major struggle. These two little notebooks went everywhere with me and both were independently inspired by two heroes of the motherhood.
The Next 60 Seconds – was by super-micro to-do list book, inspired by the uncontainable Caitlan Moran who once wrote an open letter titled “To the Girls I Meet at Book Signings”. I still can’t read it without brining on tears – but I strongly recommend you give it a go. The letter signs off:
You will never, ever have to deal with more than the next 60 seconds.
Do the calm, right thing that needs to be done in that minute. The work, or the breathing, or the smile. You can do that, for just one minute. And if you can do a minute, you can do the next.
Pretend you are your own baby. You would never cut that baby, or starve it, or overfeed it until it cried in pain, or tell it it was worthless. Sometimes, girls have to be mothers to themselves
Reading Moran’s sage advice I realised I could manage some sort of control in a turbulent time. So I created a Next 60 Seconds book, in fact I had two of them to ensure I’d always have one at hand. They contain very important lists like
drink water (✓)
do dishes (✓)
text hollie (✓)
Listen to Kate Tempest (✓)
When the thought of going on was far too much, I zoomed in on that very moment, made a tiny plan and implemented it. And just like that, minute by minute, I did go on.
The second notebook ‘Contributions’ was borrowed from Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant’s book ‘Option B: Facing adversity, building resistance and finding joy.’ – Grant became Sandberg’s therapist in the early days of her grieving her husband and father of her young children. In the book Sandberg describes how Grant encouraged her to write down three things she did well every day for 6 months:
"Adam [Grant] and his colleague Jane Dutton found that counting our blessings doesn't boost our confidence or our effort, but counting our contributions can. Adam and Jane believe this is because gratitude is passive: it makes us feel thankful for what we receive. Contributions are active: they build our confidence by reminding us that we can make a difference."
I didn’t do this for very long, but there were definitely some days when I found it helpful to force myself to find something, no matter how small, to be proud of myself for. One particular day It just says “Stayed in work despite SO MUCH TEARS and got some proper stuff done”.
These techniques, along with a mood tracker, an incredible family, a handful of faithful friends (note: it only takes a handful) and an understanding employer – got me through a very difficult time.
In the midst of all of this, I was still a mum doing mum things. When the kids enquired as to the reason for my tears, I always replied “I just have a headache”. I’ll never forget the night, after being taken to a church event with their auntie, they came running in, so enthusiastic and told me they’d written down a prayer for me and my headaches. I bit my lip and looked sheepishly over little shoulders to their auntie who gave a sympathetic smile, knowing full well that ‘headache’ was code word for ‘mummy might be losing her mind – but you don’t need to know that’.
Motherhood, having little people to care and be responsible for, didn’t make my mental health any better, but it did keep me alive. It kept me around for long enough to learn from other mums like Sandberg and Moran – who helped me by sharing their own reality.
So this is my late submission to the Maternal Mental Heath Week theme of #realmotherhood, take care of yourselves, you are never beyond help and to borrow heavily from Moran’s open letter: Sometimes Mums have to be Mums to themselves.
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